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Some advice for those who tell stall tales
By Frank Cerabino

This has been the summer of bathroom misunderstandings.

Especially if you happen to be a conservative Republican with a stellar track record against the gay agenda - whatever that is.

One minute, you're railing against gay marriage ruining the moral fabric of our great nation, and the next, you're being hustled out of a public restroom by a guy who turns out to be an undercover cop.

Clearly, we're talking about big, big misunderstandings here.

So my heart goes out to state Rep. Bob Allen of Merritt Island and U.S. Sen. Larry Craig of Idaho, for being innocent by-sitters in two bathroom mishaps that serve as a cautionary tale on the importance of guy bathroom etiquette for the rest of us.

"I was not involved in any inappropriate conduct," Craig explained, even though he pleaded to a misdemeanor charge relating to soliciting a male undercover cop for sex in a Minnesota airport restroom in June. "In hindsight, I should not have pled guilty. I was trying to handle this matter myself quickly and expeditiously."

Meanwhile, Allen, who faces trial next month for his July encounter with a Titusville officer in a park restroom, has been equally flummoxed by the solicitation charge against him.

"It is not true. It is not accurate, and therefore (I'm) not guilty," Allen told reporters. "I would ask people not to jump to any conclusions on this and to be fair and slow down and look at it."

I agree. Instead of making the preposterous conclusion that both of these married men are gay bashers who happen to be gay, let's take them at their word.

As Allen said, let's slow down and look at it. And maybe, then, we can all learn something so the rest of the men out there don't have similar misunderstandings.

Lesson No. 1: If a guy is in an adjoining stall, it's probably not a good idea to knock and then step into the guy's stall.

This was one of Allen's major social faux pas. Generally, the rule is one guy per stall, except for heart attacks. And even that's a borderline call.

Allen explained that his visit to the undercover officer's stall was to ask "if he's all right."
Allen said he was just checking because there was lightning in the area.

Lesson No. 2: When in doubt, assume that the guy in the next stall hasn't been struck by lightning.

If there isn't a hole in the ceiling, the smell of charred flesh or a deafening ringing in your ears, it's safe to assume that a lightning bolt hasn't crashed into the next stall. So there's no need for a visit.

Lesson No. 3: Limit your "wide stance" tendencies while using a stall in a public restroom.

You should make every effort to keep your shoes on your side of the invisible line that separates your stall from the adjoining stall, especially when it's being occupied by another man.

Craig explained that some of the misunderstanding in his case came from the "wide stance" he takes in a public stall.

The undercover officer in the Minneapolis-St.Paul International Airport restroom, while sitting in the adjoining stall, noted that Craig's shoe had crossed the line.

"Craig tapped his toes and moved his foot closer to my foot ..." the officer's report said. "The presence of others did not seem to deter Craig as he moved his right foot so that it touched the side of my left foot which was within my stall area."

This innocent stretching of your leg so that you're inadvertently playing footsie with the stranger in the next stall can obviously lead to an undercover cop jumping to conclusions.
Especially when coupled with a violation of Lesson No. 4.

Lesson No. 4: Don't stick your hand under the divider and wiggle your fingers at the stranger in the next stall.

He might think you've been struck by lightning.